livethechaos

thoughts on spirituality, in sober VS altered state

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 07:20:01 GMT

Mind-blowing revelations and discoveries of life.
A typical bud smoking session.

I never realized these revelations can be achieved, completely and 100% sober.
And its better that way- because you actually remember what was discovered.

However, I am ever grateful to marijuana, for leading me into that spiritual realm in the first place. I would never have been able to get HERE without it.

Then along came lsd.

Rocked my world, not in a blissful way either. All those "trippy thoughts" I've ever had seemed to collide into one big, sad, dreary, image of the world that I had been ignoring for quite some time. Nothing will ever be the same. But I don't regret one moment of it.

After that, any time I smoked herb.. I would get thought/state of mind flashbacks from my acid trip. And it felt like I was tripping all over again.

One of the recurring physical feelings that I got from marijuana, post-lsd... was the feeling of being one with the air. I was not able to feel my body. If I was sitting in a chair, I couldn't feel the difference between my skin and the chair. If I touched my face, I couldn't feel it. It was just all blended together. Combining molecules. It scared me then, but now I realize the majesty and wonder of the experience.. And also, how it proves astrology to me in my own little way.
I am an air sign.. So my body is (figuratively) "made of air". That is the element I relate to most. So when I was feeling like that, almost like being invisible.. It was actually just me being one with my natural element! How cool is that??

I don't use drugs anymore. But the spiritual experiences have not faded away. In fact, they have increased. And it is not happening in an altered state.

I was reading a book about Chakra's once (the 7 main "whirlpools" -as I like to call them- of energy sources in a vertical line down your body).. And the author was saying how spiritual enlightenment, (referring to the 7th and final chakra- the Crown Chakra), is more possible in a state of total consciousness than in an altered state.

What a beautiful thing that is : )

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 10:54:12 GMT

Its been awhile.

Im sick of myself and the way I act upon my impulses. I can't control myself. I wish I knew how, but I don't.
I hate being here, stuck in this head. Being sober is awesome and whatnot but the 1 thing that sucks is the brain being on ALL the time. I can never get out of my head. The only time I can is when im playing music, or creating music (making beats, etc). I love that outlet. But it doesn't seem enough. At this point, nothing seems enough.
That's why im an addict. I can't ever leave well enough alone. I have to keep going and going until I wind up getting hurt. Ill consciously act upon impulses that I KNOW are gonna get me hurt... but I constantly test my luck. I have no self fucking discipline. No self control.

Im reading this book that tells you everything you think translates onto your outer world. That's great and all, but if that's true.. Im basically fucked. I don't know how to NOT think negatively. Moreover, I don't know how to change the way I think. Change is not something I adapt to well.

At this point, there's one thing I know. No matter how I feel, and how far I push my limits and get myself in trouble.. I've gotta stay clean throughout it all. As long as I stay clean, it'll get better.

I realized today how big of a control freak I am. I have these tendencies to get really annoyed when things don't go my way, and its mostly surrounded around other peoples decisions. I want everyone to operate according to my game plan. Its bullshit. I can't control people, and to me.. That sucks. Im slowly trying to come to terms with that fact.

Ugh. A bullshit night. Mind, stop! Go to bed!
I finally fell asleep, and was able to turn off this fucked up machine.. When my Leo roomate came home (sun and moon in leo tonight).. And started being all loud. Which rarely happens. And I woke up, and here I am.

I want to strangle myself and this insane thinking inside of my head. Ahhhhh

drunk.

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 10:28:34 GMT

RedWine.

i feel like being drunk doenst even effect me.

i could be soooo emo right now if i wanted to.

anyways. i feel like alcohol has no effect on me. maybe im just not drunk enough.
i was in a weird mood tonight, came home and drank red wine by myself and watched Spun.

i wish i could go to sleep and never wake up.
how nice would that be.
not die.
just never wake up.
like life never really existed, it was just all a dream. and being unexistant is the only reality.
and no one exists.
and i dont exist.

i saw you with her tonight
and it wasnt like it made me that jealous or anything.
it was just......
we barely even talked. or looked at each other.
because we knew if we looked at each other it would all before, and we would know each others secrets.
i mean if anything it sort of made me feel better.
shes cute.
CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE. really nice and friendly.
thats about it.
i mean obviously she has more depth and whatnot,
but.... id ontttttt know.

shes intimidated by me. i know it.
because i dont fuck around.
im not gonna be all fake and nice to this girl.
she did nothing wrong.
but im just not fake like that i guess.

i just feel bad.
and just ..weird.
i dont really know.

so i came home and drank that dark red wine till my insides swim and my veins unwind you wont find me here in that hot white air yeah ill finally make osmething D I S A P P E A R. cuz ive been practicing disappearing, and i think that ive got it down.

definitely long entry.
i just dont want to try anymore.

its scary, feeling this way.
because i know what this feeling is capable of doing.
its capable of taking over my entire being, and taking the wheel .. and i would just be in the back seat. waiting to crash.
im making no sense.
to anyone but myself.
but it doenst matter.
sooo

maybe im emo? maybe im fucked up? maybe im unable to love and be loved.
but thats who i am. right now. and i cant stop drinking.
i dont know how to be sober. i dont know how to face reality.
i just want to be drunk all the time, so i never have to think about anything,
,,..
i dont know what i really wnat.

except to S L E E E E E P P P . forever.
goodnight.

scorpio moon.

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 19:40:28 GMT

Im fucking sick of people who don't text me back randomly sometimes. Usually boys.
So basically I hate boys.
And im not too fond of girls either.
So im pretty much fucked.

This is such an emo cliche, but I feel like im suffocating. Like the walls are closing in on me. Claustrophobic. Trapped in this desert town.
And I feel lonely.
Unwanted.
Impatient.

I hate feeling like im putting so much effort into something that I don't even care about.

And I feel so much pressure at work now. They said I'd be the first to go if they had to "trim" some of the staff, which they don't wanna do.. But might have to cuz were broke.
If I lost my job there.... I don't even want to think about it....

Its funny how ryan and I neveeerrr work together anymore. I mean, probably for the better.. Im starting to feel more attached to him...

And you.. Im glad were friends again. But, barely. You're half assing it, and u know it. And I know u work all the time, but a text or phone call back isn't that hard to do. I need you in my life. Read my last few entries and you'll see how I missed you.

I just don't know what to do with myself. Im not used to dealing with these feelings of worthlessness. Im trying to just let god help me, and guide me.. But there's still a void. I haven't been to a meeting in awhile. Which is probably why im feeling like this. I should get to one tonight.

Writing is the only thing that makes me feel better right now.

I moved into a house with my old coworker and her friend. Leticia and aimee. I like it... although they were drinking wine last night and I decided to have a glass. And ended up having a really long intense convo with danielle. I would be fucking dead without that girl. That's for sure.

People in NA always say they don't think they deserve good things, and if they got what they deserved.. They'd be dead.
But I don't like that. That makes me feel like the scum of the earth, and that everyones above us. Fuck that. I had a drug problem. Why does that make me a horrible person? How does that make me deserve to be dead? I was just born with the inability to cope with life, and the instinct to use drugs. I knew long before I even tried h, that I was gonna do it. But I don't think im less than everyone else. I think if anything, WERE the ones who deserve more out of life. Because we know what its like to not have to deal with anything, and were CHOOSING to stay clean. I feel like I deserve love and happiness. I've been thru some shitt.
And I know it all happened for a reason. ..but what? What's the reason? I hope I find it soon.

late night contemplation.

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 07:55:31 GMT

What is love for? The definition, and even honest descriptions... have been lost in time. It is now merely a word, used to express a multitude of feelings. Infatuation. Lust. Friendship. Contentment. Control. Dominance. Manipulation. Arrogance. A self fulfilling prophecy.
Words are used and misused everyday. No one is innocent. So then, what does love really mean? And how do we know? I guess if you're really in love, it doesn't matter.
And what about cheating?
Do the people who cheat on their loved ones really and truly love them? I've been on all 3 sides of the triangle. I've cheated, been cheated on, and been the girl they cheated with. None of the above are satisfying feelings.

.. So why do people do them?
Is it simply a yearning for the unknown- more about sex than love? Or does it mean the person is not satisfied with the one they claim their love is devoted to?
Humans are strange. I've been trying my whole life to figure them out.. But im always surprised. Emotions are crazy things. They create, destroy, and sometimes do both at the same time.
But if you really love someone, is it possible to love another as well?

I am just really confused and a little bit sad.

Every time we say good bye, I just get this melancholic feeling like im nothing more than someone to flirt with to occupy your time at work.. When im sitting there, falling for you harder every day. And hanging on to every word you say.
Then again, sometimes I think I may be something more. Perhaps a light, an unexpected shelter, something you don't know how to explain yet.
In all reality (which I tend to ignore sometimes hah), it really doesn't matter what I am to you. You're still dating her, and you "love?" her. So why am I sitting here, smiling to myself at conversations we've had earlier?
I just want it to end. But part of me knows, as long as were forced to be around each other once a week, its not going to end anytime soon.

So the torture continues..

wowza.

Sun, 24 May 2009 07:32:29 GMT

i feel like a lots happened in the past couple days.
i drank again last night. when i thought last weekend was going to be it.
this time was worse.
i mean, i had an okay time (80s party at rachel cooks) but i ended up smoking hookah all night, when i had a sore throat (completely slipped my mind i guess..) and couldnt fucking sleep AT ALL because of how gnarly my throat felt. like seriously ridiculous. i cant even describe the pain i was in. sooo its about 4ish AM when i realize my throat is up shit creek without a paddle. and i go to crash on rachels couch, and set my alarm for 7:41AM!! to go help out hugo @ his work, and make some extra skrilla $$
then, after not being able to sleep.. due to EXCESSIVE TAYLOR SWIFT MUSIC BLASTING FROM OUTSIDE.. i realize that i should go home, because the shirt im supposed to wear to the thing is at my house. and besides, my throat feels like a sharp sword is protruding out of every single cell. so i drive home at 4:30 am.. finally get to sleep around 6. decide not to go to the thing (thank god i had a choice.. kinda..) totally bail on hugo's work. and fuck myself over, because i need that money. oh well. i was not about to sleep for an hour. death wish.

so i slept til like 1:30.. then got up and got ready for work. and went to work at 2.. til close.
and while i was at work, i found out some interesting information. first of all... EVERYONE KNEW what me and ryan were up to the other night. apparently everyone was just like "oh god... here he goes again." which is the other interesting fact. supposedly this isnt the first time something of that nature has happened. and that any time he gets drunk, he needs someone to make out with. HOT, HUH?!?!
so im just kinda trippin on this fact at work. not caring too much, because truth be told- im sort of over it in the first place. but im just sorta trippin cuz i never really hook up with people; it makes me feel too vulnerable. and i dont like that.. i like to avoid those sorts of feelings as much as possible. so im like, great, i hooked up with this kid thinking it was an amazing, intimate, passionate, experience.. only to find out he's done a similar act before. lovely.

but im not really trippin TOO hard because meanwhile, im getting text-serenaded by my true lovaaah. he's back in town. and we were having one of our infamous flirtatious lovey happy text-sessions tonight. and SUPPOSEDLY we're gonna hangout this week. bla bla bla i know. same old story. but this time is different, because its not my world right now.

ugh i have to see ryan tomorrow. i mean he's a cool guy, and i enjoy his company.. it just disgusts me finding out how much of a slut he is. not to mention he's probably the reason i have this fucking strep throat, or w/e it is. GRRROOSSSS.

wooo gemini moon right now. not to mention, gemini sun. aries venus and mars. inteennseeee type-age. new moon tomorrow. please feel better, throat!! ahhh!!!~!

dfklhmd

Thu, 21 May 2009 07:58:32 GMT

my mind has been all over the place lately.

today was not such a great day.
i drove down to mesa to hugos work so i could fill out an app and work for them and make some extra bucks on satuday (pass out flyers, greet ppl). while i was driving there, i got pulled over for "unsafe lane change" bullshit. he just gave me a warning.. i dont have to pay anything or w/e.. it was just annoying because i was running late.
meanwhile my car has no AC.
so i go there, do that, and then im late to work.
start working, whatever, sell some shit (not a bad day money wise..) and bought a chicken sandwich, fries, and a drink.. DIDNT EVEN EAT IT. didnt drink the drink. then spill it all over my car. and i havent cleaned it up yet cuz ive been lazy and just wanna sleep.. and dont feel good. sore throat. ugh. if i get sick i will SCREAM!
so by now its all soaked into my car n shit. awesome.

i dont like being a complainer. i just had a shitty day. fucking retrograde mercury. ANNDDD i have to go do the thing in mesa on saturday at 9am. and i have to wear this ugly beige shirt thats too big for me. so ill be looking pretty fabulous.

other than thatttt.. im not doing too bad.
the whole situation that last entry about is.. whatever.
after the first day, i stopped sketching out.
no one i work with asked me anything about it. and even if they did, it wouldnt be an issue. it would just be weird hah. but pretty much anythings acceptable at that job, as long as we're outside of work.
even hooking up with your coworker. haaa.

so yea i stopped sketching out, and now im just sorrta.. idk, bummed i guess.
its dumb because ive been in so many of these situations, so i should know better than to have feelings for him. but i really cant help it. especially since we work together. it sucks. i dont want to like someone who cheats anyway. but i have been thinking about him a ton. oh well. i guess ill just do my thing, and see where everything ends up ...

Sat, 16 May 2009 20:22:35 GMT

i want to be somewhere far away.
where the air is clear, and the grass is soft and free.
where wildflowers grow.
where the sun shines bright
and the sky is the most brilliant color blue.
where at night, the stars resemble those you only see in a science book.
where the trees are large and unaffected by humans.

where i could toil in the sun all day long.
and not have a worry or care.
alone.

ive put myself in a really sketchy situation.
it doesnt feel exciting, like i thought it would.
i finally got what i wanted.
but i never expected it to be like this.
i've been drinking for the past couple days.
and look where it got me.
paranoid, on all accounts.
and the hardest part is.. i cant escape it.
its not like every other similar situation ive ever been in..
where i can just pretend like it didnt happen.
clean my hands, and walk away.
i am forced to be surrounded by this paranoia.
every day now.

i thought i was done with this sort of thing.
its truly like an addiction.
why do i do this to myself, and to the other people involved?
do i subconsciously enjoy this kind of pain and agony?
and its not that ill have to see you with her.
its that ill have to see you with her, acting like everythings peachy.
when in reality.. everything is really fucked up.

the way i am, under the influence of anything and everything..
is someone i literally despise.
everything was going well for awhile.
but i guess this is what i need,
to be able to swear off alcohol for ever.

how, though, could i have dealt with that awkwardness, at the beginning?
i dont know how to do those things sober.
i shouldnt have even gone.
with everything else going on, the last thing i need is another affliction in my head.. causing me such great mental and emotional pain.
i just want it to go away. to be gone forever.
but i have to see you at least once a week.
and i have to see everyone else, who all have an idea of what was going on.
how could they not? jesus.
what am i going to say if the topics brought up?
i just dont know what to fucking do.

this only confirms that there is a Higher Power, and that that Power is directly associated with my sobriety.
when i am sober, good things come. and i am happy.
when i am drunk, high, or stoned.. BAD. THINGS. FUCKING. HAPPEN.
its a simple god damn equation.
i was trying to test myself.
to see how long it would take for something to go wrong.
didnt take long.
so in a way, im grateful.
im grateful that i didnt run for god knows how long.
and who knows, if i go back out full blown.. i may never come back.

dont let me GET carried away.
dont let me BE carried away.

Mon, 11 May 2009 07:00:37 GMT

god i feel so.. indifferent? ..tonight. i dont even really know how to explain what ive been feeling, all day actually.
a melancholic longing.
truth be told, i really just want a blunt and a beer right about now.
i just want to get fucked up.
not because im in pain, or dont want to deal with my feelings.. i just want to. its a craving i cant really describe.
maybe its because i want to be happy.
i mean, im happy being sober. but am i really? or am i just pretending to be?
i just want to go out with friends, drink good beer or wine, laugh, and have a good time.. like everyone else. i feel like not as many people care to hang out with you if youre not trying to drink or smoke. ive had a couple friends who ask if i wanna blaze, and when i say i dont smoke anymore.. its like they dont care to hangout otherwise.
and its taking a toll on me.
im sick of just 'focusing on myself' and going to NA meetings all the time (even though i do enjoy them) and just working, and going to school. and going out on the weekends to watch my friends get drunk and have a good time. and just be Sober Sally, sitting on the couch, being sober . COOL!! im over it.
i just want to wake up tomorrow and not feel this way, and continue on in my recover, and NOT think about relapsing.
and to top it off.. my sponser didnt answer my phone call tonight. and i left a message, and she didnt call me. and i even called her later. thats cool. maybe shes too busy with ALL HER OTHER fucking sponsees. god damn.
and my friends graduating from ASU, and having a grad party on friday. and i said i'd be there. and i just found out tonight, that theres gonna be like a million kilt lifters, for everyone to drink. TIGHT. how does the world expect me NOT to relapse in a house full of god damn kilt lifters, one of my favorite beers? idk what to do.
i just want to get drunk.
its weird too, because im not even much of a drinker.
i want to blaze a blunt and watch the sunset and listen to music, and go swimming, and have fun summer times.. and then drink 800 kilt lifters and get wasted and be silly. but NO. i have to be sober. fuckk!!!
its funny cuz anyone whose not an addict wouldnt get why i dont drink or smoke weed. its like.. well, u dont have to smoke heroin.. you can just smoke weed, or get drunk once in awhile.. right? nah dude. if i take one sip of a beer u might as well consider me a full time junkie. ew. i hate it.

so ya.. im sensing a relapse. at least with beer. i dont want to. but .. i may not be strong enough.

light pollution.

Fri, 08 May 2009 09:48:01 GMT

Drove out past the crowd, and the cops.
Drove out past that center mall.
Drove out past that sickening sprawl.
Out past that fenced in goat.
And maybe he lost control fucking with the radio.
But I bet the stars seem so close... at the end.

Sat, 02 May 2009 09:28:15 GMT

i didnt say all the things that I wanted to say.. and you cant take back what youve taken away. cuz i feel you... cuz i feel you, near me.

a few different feelings going on.
i talked to -him- today. im not as into it as i used to be. the whole process. cuz ive fallen for it before, ive been thru it before.. and im ALWAYS the one who ends up getting hurt.
youre coming to town? cool. fucking call me and ask to hangout if u want to see me. cuz im not doing shit. its your responsibility this time. im a different person now. i realize that i was addicted to you, and i will not indulge myself in such excessive behaviors anymore. i know where it sends me. its not pretty. youre not the only person i think about. i love it. and maybe my sister is right. why should i let u pick and choose when u want to be a part in my life? i know i was a big contributor to our falling out back then, but u admitted partial responsibility. i dont know. honestly, i dont really care too much.

-he- has been on my mind more often. i see him all the time. (whoa.. what a concept!) and he's single now. which i thought was never going to happen, truthfully. i dunno. im not getting my hopes up on him either though because i dont want to end up in another you-know-who situation.

im just being myself. i cant devote my efforts into other people as much anymore.

sometimes i feel lame that i dont go out, hardly ever, anymore. but i know im doing whats right for me. and everything really is starting to work out. and the best part about it is.. my mindset is completely different.

i do miss -you- a lot still. as i mentioned before. there are just things throughout the day where i want to call u and tell u about. and talk and laugh. and i just want to hangout with you and do nothing.. and have my best friend back. but the truth is, its not the same. you'll always be my best friend, and i will always love you, but it really isnt the same right now. i feel like u cant fully be yourself with me right now. not like ur trying to be someone else. u just hold back. not even with anything physical. not like that. just mental. and emotional. like u have a shield on. your "guilty mind" that u dont have.. its ok. if theres one thing im good at.. its waiting, over a long period of time.
i wont forget about u.. or lose interest in being your friend. ill never take u off my top friends (haha) or pretend like you dont exist in my life. youre a big part of my life.. just not right now. now's not the right time for both of us. because, i cant lie, its obvious that i have a multitude of feelings for you. in different ways. mostly just an unconditional love.. but also a little more. i think we all know that. u know this. and we're a lot different.. i will always feel this way, and stay the same. and keep you in my heart and on my mind forever. but you never quite know WHAT you feel, and youre always changing your mind. but its okay, because i will be here when you need me. i just know, and so do you, that right now we just both need to do our own things.
we'll reunite eventually. duh.. i mean, why would we go five god damn years and then just quit over some lame little fight. haha

so thats just whats been on my mind a little bit lately.
just a little piece ;)

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 08:01:13 GMT

tuhrippppy dreams lately. Weird.

Delaney came with me to a meeting tonight. And she spoke. It was cool hearing her let her guard down and just tell everybody what's goin on with her life. Something else really cool happened today, NA related.
A guy in my class was going to meetings for awhile, and then stopped going. We never talk in class or at the meetings, but I figured I'd see how he was doing. So I went up to him in class and asked where he's been and how he's doing. He told me he hasn't been doing well.. And I said he should come to a meeting, and that he should come tonight.. In a really calm way. And what do u know, he came! And afterwards, I told him I was glad he came, and he thanked me for asking him to.
It just felt so good to know that I may have had an affect on someones sobriety.. Whether he stayed clean today or not. It was pretty cool. Its just painful to see someone every day and then all of a sudden not see them.. And its obvious why they're not there.

As for me.. Im still weak. Still don't have too much clean time, but I'd like to think that im progressing. My mom told me today that she feels like she has her girl back, and that felt really good.. Hearing her say that. And its true. I haven't absently said mean things or yelled at anyone in my family lately. I haven't even really felt the need to.

I have gotten in a fight with one of my best friends though.. As was colorfully illustrated in an entry below. Hah. I don't take back anything I said though..because I was expressing how I felt. And I wasn't high while doing it. And I was hurt.
But I know everything happens for a reason, and for one reason or another.. Him and I are not meant to be talking right now. I do miss him though. If you're reading, just know I miss you.
Of course, I heard "its been awhile" on the radio when I was driving the other day. Hah.. That made me think of u.. Obviously. I never hear that song unless ur absent in my life.
I do miss u, but I can't be the one to apologize this time. Not because of my pride, or anything.. Just because I know that fate will unravel how it is supposed to without me interfering and making amends. I don't know if u deserve to be made amends to just yet.
I love u to death, always have - always will. But I can't let myself hurt. So I have to just try not to think about it.. (Which I obviously need to work on ) haha. This is just me. Im being honest. I can't be anything but.

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:13:19 GMT

on a cobweb afternoon in a room full of emptiness, by a freeway, i confess i was lost in the pages.. of a book, full of death, reading how we'll die alone... and if we're good, we'll lay to rest.. anywhere we wanna go.
in your house, i long to be. room by room, patiently. i'll wait for you there.. like a stone. ill wait for you there.. alone.
and on my death bed i will pray to the gods and the angels, like a pagan.. to anyone who will take me to heaven. to a place, i recall, i was there so long ago. the sky was bruised, the wine was blessed, and there you led me on.
in your house, i long to be. room by room, patiently. i'll wait for you here.. like a stone. ill wat for you there.. alone.

and on i read, until the day was gone. and i sat in regret of all the things ive done. for all that ive blessed, and all that ive wronged. in dreams until my death.. i will wander on.

wow

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 07:33:47 GMT

yeah. not the best fucking day in the world.
as a matter of fact.. a pretty shitty day.
i cant even rely on my so called best friend to have my back. chill.
god i could seriously scream right now.
i have not been this mad in awhile. not even with meghan. although its a pretty close call.

hope u have fun with ur stupid gf.
why do i even put up with half ur shit?
ur the biggest asshole ive ever met in my entire life. i seriously hate u more than ive ever loved you.
ya i have anger issues WHOA what a shocker. ur a sick fuck and i know u approved her comment on purpose just so u could see me get mad. well u succeeded, are u happy? YA IM FUCKING PISSED AND I COULD RIP THAT DUMB FAT BITCH, YOUR, AND HELENS HEAD OFF. maybe i need to find a way to deal with my anger and calm the fuck down but its not happening anytime soon so THANKS for encouraging homicidal thoughts and helping me realize my serial killing potential.. i really appreciate your courtesy.

in all reality though, anger is probably the emotion that i find most difficult to deal with. because it has no immediate or healthy outlet. when im sad, i can cry.. or write.. and i feel better. but when im mad.. all i want to do is physically hurt someone. and thats clearly not a good way to deal with emotions. but it takes over my entire being and i just go. fucking. nuts.
on top of that, im NOT in the right emotional state to be feeling this emotion in the first place. and the fact that someone i consider my BEST FRIEND gets some sort of sick joy out of encouraging my lunatic reactions, just turns up the intensity about 6 levels.
im emotionally RAW. and i wish i could explain that to normal, non-addict people without sounding like im self-centered, or trying to make them feel sorry for me. or just emo in general. getting clean is partially an attempt at TRYING TO become UN-isolated, but when someone im so close to has no regard for my feelings or what im going through.. it just makes me feel all the more isolated.
and it reallllyyy sucks because i cant go to a meeting tomorrow OR the next day, because im goddamn CLOSING. fuck.
my 30 days is coming near.. and im sensing a mental/emotional breakdown creeping up on me. i wish there was a way to press a stop button, id even settle for a pause.. on my intense emotions. oh wait, there is. its called HEROIN. ya..... but relapsing is not an option. so what do i do? suffer. suffer and bathe in my own fucking extreme anger.

perfect.

funny

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 06:26:47 GMT

that I've started updating my lj on a frequent basis again. Its just something to do before I go to bed.. On my sidekick. Or "scenekick" as hugo calls them, which makes me confused as to why he doesn't have one? Some last defiant attempt at trying to avoid being a scenester? Sry buddy but its too late for that
;)

Anyway.. I've been sleeping in emmas bed, and she sleeps with my mom or sister in their beds. She has a bunk bed. I feel like a little kid.. Its cute =)
I like going to bed early. Its only 11. But its tight knowing I could wake up early and chill around the house before work. And that ill get a good nights rest.

I saw I love you man last night. It was a good movie.. Really cute. anyway this couples getting married in it, and it had me trippin. I wonder who im gonna marry? If im gonna marry anyone at all? Most girls imagine their weddings and can see it clear in their head.. But I can't. I used to kind of think about what my wedding would be like, how I'd wanna do something non cliche.. But the last time I've pictured my wedding was like 7th grade. Idk I guess I've never been a typical girl? But I really can't see my self getting married, and it bugs me cuz I totally want to. But I can't picture it. I can't ever picture someone proposing to me. Being the center of attention for a day. Maybe its cuz I've never really had a 'normal' relationship. I've only had one boyfriend.. And we never had a break up or anything...
Sometimes I wonder why god gave me this life. Am I just destined to be a fuck up with bad luck? Am I destined to be alone forever, and just die? Or do I have a higher purpose?
Now that im sober.. Like completely 100% sober, no alcohol, weed, nothing.. I have a lot of time to think about a lot of shit that I've ignored in my head for a longgg while. I feel insane, constantly alert and aware, living in reality. But its a good insanity. Like im beginning to see the light. (Ha.. Velvet..)
I know I sound cheesy but I don't care. Its just who I am.

april

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 07:03:48 GMT

Ahh, back at my moms. Im actually glad to be here. I liked living with james and jayla.. But ..idk.. I guess I just missed my family haha.
Im probably gonna move out on the 15th. If delaney gets her shit together! She keeps bailing on me when we're supposed to fill out our apps and shit. Its really aggravating. She said she would absolutely do it today, and when I called her.. Her phone was off. Wtf? Its like, im sure something insane probably happened (she's a troublemaker, and who knows what she could have gotten herself into..) hmm I wonder if it has anything to do with my dream last night? God that was CREEPY.
I hope she's okay.
But im way sick of listening to excuse after excuse. Idk.. Now im worried.. That dream I had was so sketch.
I don't know how to get ahold of her.. Aghh@!!

Anyway..
It feels amazing not to drink, do drugs, or even smoke weed at all. I liiiike it =) and I've been celibate for 10 months! Woo! Im pretty much straight edge right now. Whoooaaa.

weird..

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 22:36:09 GMT

this is my second day in a row updating my lj. kinda sketch. hahhh... im just in class (my long ass lab) and we all got laptops to use for the lecture. which was pretty much pointless but i had to stay cuz theres a quiz at the end.
i just ate 3 cookies so fast. wow. they were bomb though.
im going to my moms again after school, and my sisters gonna make me food. pretty excited, since i NEVER get free food! ugh i hate spending all my money on food, but how else am i supposed to eat? i end up spending the same amount of money on groceries if i go that route. ajsngskjgndjkf oh life.
im gonna go to another meeting tonight too. i might try to do the 90 in 90. crazy! but ill be able to do it. well, id have to double up on some days.. since i usually close on saturday nights and couldnt go then. it might be hard for me to go on a friday night too.
well.. even if i dont do the 90 in 90, ill at least try to go to as many as i can.
i truly do enjoy meetings. mostly because it makes me feel like im not alone in this. and that i may not be as shitty of a person as i think i am.

Tue, 24 Mar 2009 05:06:44 GMT

Oh lordy. Where do I begin?
I don't live with meghan anymore. Quite relieving.
I moved into james and jaylas place in tempe by mill avenue, but am only gonna be here temporarily.. While I look for an apartment to move into with delaney :)

Her and I went to a meeting tonight. It was good. I can't ever talk for more than 15 seconds without crying. Its pathetic. So I never end up saying what I wanna say.

I like living here. Its cozy. I def want a bigger closet though! Haha. Delaney and I are gonna go look at apartments on wednesday. Im prob gonna live here for a couple weeks, then my moms, then move out again. Living with my mom again is gonna be... interesting. Considering the fact that I don't have a room there. But, my sisters done it before.. So I think I can too. And it'll only be for a couple weeks.
I just hate the actual process of moving, being triple fixed and all. Cuz its like.. Once im in a spot, I wanna stay there. Moving around a bunch is just not my thing ;)

But overall lifes been looking up. Not too bad. Spring break wasn't the best time in the world, but I got thru it.. And here I am. March 23. Aries month. Ready to go. School starts again tomorrow, and im gonna pick up where I left off and hopefully try to raise my grades. I want a nice gpa.

My cousin told me a room is opening up may 1st at her place in santa cruz.. Without even knowing my situation! I think that's nuts. I considered it for a little, but I don't think I could just drop everything and move out there. I mean I COULD... but, I'd feel like I was escaping reality. And I don't think that'd be best right now. I need to get my shit together first.

I still love my job. It just scares me how its hard to get time off. At the closet it was soo easy. U could go on a vacation whenever. But at hub its like.. I had 4 days off for spring break. So that's probably gonna be it for awhile. Although summer might be an okay time to get time off, since it'll be pretty slow.
Im gonna have to get off suboxone eventually. Idk.. Im hoping it won't have to be for awhile. I shouldn't stress it. One day at a time.

postponed indefinitely.

Mon, 09 Mar 2009 16:35:01 GMT

Been really stressed out lately. Im in the middle of trying to fight this disease, getting immobilizingly sick.. And having to work and go to school throughout it all.
So, naturally, I found a loophole.. Trying to survive for the past few days. And I've been surviving. With a chip on my shoulder and a leech on my back. I've been putting it off. I have a date set.. But im still scared.
After this is all through, however, I will never ingest another opiate.. Including suboxone. A week plus' worth of hellish withdrawals. No thanks. I just have to keep in mind that it'll all be over soon.
I have 4 days off work coming up. The 16th thru the 19th. I was originally gonna go to portland.. That didnt work out. Then I was gonna go camping or to cali or something.. But now I have no choice. I need to use those for days to kick this thing forever. Hopefully, im going to wickenburg. I feel like that's happened a few different times before, though. Oh well. I can't stay here in my apartment again. My dad and his wife have their anniversary on the 17th.. So she's probably gonna be a complete bitch to me (what a surprise) and make me feel like the scum of the earth for withdrawaling in their house during their anniversary. But I don't know what else to do.
I hate this. I can't complain much though, because its what I deserve.

at school

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 20:11:30 GMT

in the writing center. im in my english class, but were not doing ANYTHING at all and havent been this entire period.. which makes me kinda mad that i came, when i could have been doing other things.. like finding a doctor.

ive been buying starbucks wayyy too much lately.
its not cool, i spend all my damn money on stupid shit.
always waiting for the next paycheck.
grrr i hate paying rent!!! but i love my apartment, and my roomates =) layne moved out, and now jayla lives with megs n i!! yay. its crazy ive known that girl since 5th mofuggin grade.

work has been interesting lately.
not to mention frusterating, and pure torture.
not because my job is hard. its not.. i LOVE my job and wouldnt trade it for the world. i love EVERYONE who works there, its a great team and i hope no one ever quits/gets fired.. and this team stays forevaa. or at least til i move away.
thats not whats been torture..
its just... i work with a certain someone that has been clouding my mind since i met him and i dont know what to do.
=/

we went (all my coworkers and i.. including the store owners) to see Eagles of Death Metal last night. it was amazinng!! they were so tight. although i AM sad that they never played my fav song. theyre all like 45 and gnarly as fuck.. we thought they were gonna O.D on stage it was sketch. haha but so much fun..
i had to stay in the UNDERAGE section, when everyone else i was with is over 21!! wtf!!
but ryan stood by me all night :) it was nice.
aahhh.. and the torture continues..

im lovin life right now. i adore having 2 great friends as roomates. me and meghan are like sisters now. i love how everytime i come home, i always have someone to hangout with. its nice.

anyway.. gotta get to my next class.
things are looking up.
isnt that how its supposed to be?
<3

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 00:10:57 GMT

hmmm..
is it simply because i hate routine? deftones said it best..
i get bored.

i want to forget about you.
so why do you keep coming back into my life? i honestly hope that you dont call or text me when you come to town this weekend. i cant take the stress of wondering if ur gonna call me, wondering what u think, wondering what ur doing. u make me feel crazy. and even if everything WERE to work out, it doesnt matter. you live in california. so what would be the point? when u talk to me, its hard to think about anyone else. its just how u make me feel. HOW DO U DO IT? MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I DO. HOW DO U DO IT? ITS BETTER THAN I EVER KNEW.

so ya.. to make my life easier, im not gonna text or call u when ur in town. and that way, itll be easier for me to forget. i was doing so good, until u threw me off guard. and now im back in that insanity. that infatuation.

ah..

on another note..
its a scorpio moon. am i serious about the decision im making? its gonna fuck everything up.
im MOVING OUT IN A WEEK FROM TODAY!!
..ehhh but now im stuck on it. i didnt search for it. it came to me.

im talking nosense, but it makes sense to me. thats what lj is all about huh?

i tried. ya i did,i really did... at least i can say that...

Tue, 11 Nov 2008 19:26:14 GMT

god i hate the music my mom listens to. its like... unoriginal soft-adultrock ..brunette chicks playing a piano and croning in a wannabe emotional bluesy voice. For instance, "starts on my toes and it tickles my nose" FUCK that song. i would be a very happy person if i never had to hear that song ever again for the rest of my life.. that or "not gonna write you a love song". seriously. kill me. and my mom blasts that shit in the morning when i wake up, while she's cleaning around the house. CANT FUCKIN WAIIITTT till im outta here. the bitch drives me crazy, even when she's not doing anything.
like ok... i fucking gave her $40 and asked her to write a check for a medical bill i have (since i dont have any money in my account right now, so therefore cant write checks..) and she said "yea of course!" and a few days later i asked her if she wrote it, and she hadnt.. and i asked her if she could please write it.. and she says "not until you clean the bathroom." while im running out the door to go to work. yeah. fucking ridiculous. not like i really mind cleaning the bathroom, it just drives me crazy that SHE SAID SHED FUCKING MAIL THE CHECK, but now that she has the money.. she has control of it and actually doesnt want to write it... and shes turned it into a blackmailing, hostage-like situation like she always does. i swear to god when i am gone... its just gonna be the best thing ever, pretty much.

ughh.

on a lighter note..
ive been having fun working @ Hub. i love everyone who works there. i guess they hire people and have them work there for a month, as a trial period, and usually they fire most of them after a month. which is scary. but all the employees say that they think im gonna stay for sure. ive been selling, and they tell me "i get it" and most people dont get it. so im glad :) just a little worried though.. but i think ill be fine. the only reason im actually worried is cuz if, for some reason, i DID get fired... i would be FUCKED. since im moving out.. i wouldnt know what to do. i cant rely on my dad anymore for money. at all. im completely independent now when it comes to money.

goddd i LOVE tegan & sara. theyre awesome. my friend jesse from work has the bombest taste in music, and has been playing some good shit @ the store.. tegan&sara being one of them. and i realllly like them. theyre twin sisters, and both lesbians. :) haha... see THOSE are 2 chicks that actually make good music, as opposed to all the dumb women artists that my mom likes, like norah jones.. all just trying to be something theyre not.. most of them probably not even writing their own music. and if they do, SO WHAT!! there are so many more talented artists out there. the media makes me crazy.

alrrrighht ive rambled a lot haaa. catchya lattaaa...

Fri, 24 Oct 2008 00:44:32 GMT

helllloooo.
eaing a brownie mmm. a real one, not a magic brownie.. unfortunately.
but its bomb as fuck.

just got back from my sisters closet. i went there to see if i had any credit, so i could get some new clothes. but i didnt find anything. well, i found a couple things.. but nothing worth buying. its weird.. since i work @ hub now.. i dont like any of that shit. its all just used and O-kay. I love the clothes we sell at hub :) and i cant wait till i actually have some money, to afford some new shit. i have my eye on a special pair of jeans. hooray! anyways.. yea, its kind of awkward going in there. well.. not with some people.. but with others. hmm

im going to a scream park tomorrow. i reeeeally wanna get high before. bahah. i loved getting scared when im stoned 8) exceppptt i dont have any money. its stupid.
cant wait till november 1st... when i will be getting paid!! yuhhssss.

halloween should be fun this year. im gonna be peter pan! so bomb. i hope its not hella cold though.. but its not like ill be the only one in a little outfit if it is cold. hopefully the parties i go to will be inside. bad memories of last halloween, a party i went to. ugh... dumb. im soo glad that im not friends with some of the people i was friends with a year ago though. DRAMA FREE LIFE is amazing.

i get to paint my room @ my new apartment :) im gonna paint it purple, cuz a) thats one of my fav colors and b) all my posters go w/ purple. shweet.

well im gonna go read.. im reading Angel's and Demon's. That shit is already gettin me HOOKED! robert gave it to me back in the day.. and im finally starting to read it :) its the prequel to Davinci Code.. so im sure ill have to read that one afterwards. i love reading. bookworm for lyyfee!

peeeeeacee <3

Mon, 20 Oct 2008 19:08:50 GMT

on the phone multitasking.
alright, off the phone. cant do that shit.
sooo its weird how every journal entry ive written in the past like year.. has been something emo. kinda gay.

ive fuckin been sleeping through my alarm EVERY DAY lately. idk why? i used to NEEEVERRR do that. so ive been missing all my morning classes.

im supposed to go to court tomorrow at 945am.. but i cant because i have a class at 1030, and i have a project due. soo i guess ill have to call them today and reschedule.

IM MOVING OUT!! December 1st. so fucking excited. its the perfect time of year too. from december thru february.. is always the best time of my life. and my bdays in january. im gonna be 19. not really a big deal.. but closer to being 21 :)

HUGO. from now on, youre not gonna write ANYTHING negative about me in your lj, k? =) and were not gonna fight, from now on. even if i persist... no arguing. im serious. im gonna try really hard this time. and were gonna go to chicago in the summer! take the train! yay bff status. even though ur 'non-gf' is still dumb, im cool with it. i just wish for once you would date someone who was actually cool. like that kirsten girl! i liked her! i mean, i never met her.. but she seemed cool. you need to find another girl like that, k?

life is so amazing right now. ive been hanging out with a really great group of friends. meghan is my loooveeerr.. and layne. soo glad im moving out with them. yes, im sure conflict is inevitable.. but we'll work it out. nothing deeper than a little kitchen argument every now and then.. ill always buy groceries and toilet paper =) ..which reminds me...
ill have MORE than enough $$ cash flow!! I WORK @ THE HUB NOW!! its soooo bomb. im gonna be making so much doughhh. i scored big when i scored this job. i feel like the luckiest girl in the world. and the ppl there are cool, and the clothes are amazing.. its a really "chill" environment. and the best part of all... ITS NOT A BIG CORPORATION!! so it wont depress me. IM NOT A ROBOT!!

i hate having crushes on guys who are taken. its a curse i have. but im over my dark days.. (kinda...) and i will not go back to my old ways. its just something i cant help- being attracted to someone who has a gf. especially when hes an AQUARIUS! alright shit.

i love listening to old school songs with my sister. im gonna miss living with her. but im sure she'll be over all the time.

im gonna try to start updating more.. cuz i usually have a lot of shit to say. and no more emo-ness... hopefully. i apologize to the reader about all my depressing drug rambles. wa wa waaaa boring.

the World is mine!!!!!!!!!!!!

<3.me.

Fri, 04 Jul 2008 02:25:35 GMT

ive become an OFFICIAL shopping addict. seriously, its getting bad. for the past like, 2 weeks... i've bought something every day. some article of clothing, or jewelry or accesory or whatever. i cant go a day without buying anything or else i get all sad. it makes me happy, truly it does. its kinda gross how i have such an addictive personality but oh well. thats just how it goes i guess. im glad ive always been able to hold my liquor. ive never been a really crazy beligerent or sloppy drunk.. although i HAVE had my moments ha. but we all do.

the last week has been really good. im starting to get things i want. but my heads in the right place and i know that even if things turn shitty again, i can handle it. i can handle anything, as a matter of fact =]

i decided im probably just gonna go to scc, instead of fidm or move out of state. im just starting to get a good group of friends, and i just got a car and everything. my moms making me pay her $100 a month for rent, but thats better than if i moved out on my own. which i still plan to do soon anyway.. but, since i have my car now.. its not that bad living at home. im actually starting to appreciate it a lot.

no i havent finished high school yet, but i will soon. im just soo stuck on this math shit. its pathetic, i need to finish it. well now that i have a car i can start going on tues and thurs all the time. although i dont really need to go.. i just need to finish this damn packet and turn that shit in for a credit. maybe ill do a couple pages right now before my shower.

im going to santa cruz in a couple weeks! im soo excited. i love my cousin.. its gonna be a lot of fun. and the weathers gonna be beautiful im sure. and the beach ahhh paradise <3
then going to mexico for labor day weekend with some girlies. should be pretty sick. cant wait.

well thats my life lately. loves it. happiness!! xoox<33