| thoughts on spirituality, in sober VS altered state |
[Friday
Sep 11th - 12:20 AM] |
Mind-blowing revelations and discoveries of life.
A typical bud smoking session.
I never realized these revelations can be achieved, completely and 100% sober.
And its better that way- because you actually remember what was discovered.
However, I am ever grateful to marijuana, for leading me into that spiritual realm in the first place. I would never have been able to get HERE without it.
Then along came lsd.
Rocked my world, not in a blissful way either. All those "trippy thoughts" I've ever had seemed to collide into one big, sad, dreary, image of the world that I had been ignoring for quite some time. Nothing will ever be the same. But I don't regret one moment of it.
After that, any time I smoked herb.. I would get thought/state of mind flashbacks from my acid trip. And it felt like I was tripping all over again.
One of the recurring physical feelings that I got from marijuana, post-lsd... was the feeling of being one with the air. I was not able to feel my body. If I was sitting in a chair, I couldn't feel the difference between my skin and the chair. If I touched my face, I couldn't feel it. It was just all blended together. Combining molecules. It scared me then, but now I realize the majesty and wonder of the experience.. And also, how it proves astrology to me in my own little way.
I am an air sign.. So my body is (figuratively) "made of air". That is the element I relate to most. So when I was feeling like that, almost like being invisible.. It was actually just me being one with my natural element! How cool is that??
I don't use drugs anymore. But the spiritual experiences have not faded away. In fact, they have increased. And it is not happening in an altered state.
I was reading a book about Chakra's once (the 7 main "whirlpools" -as I like to call them- of energy sources in a vertical line down your body).. And the author was saying how spiritual enlightenment, (referring to the 7th and final chakra- the Crown Chakra), is more possible in a state of total consciousness than in an altered state.
What a beautiful thing that is : )
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[Thursday
Aug 20th - 3:54 AM] |
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Its been awhile.
Im sick of myself and the way I act upon my impulses. I can't control myself. I wish I knew how, but I don't.
I hate being here, stuck in this head. Being sober is awesome and whatnot but the 1 thing that sucks is the brain being on ALL the time. I can never get out of my head. The only time I can is when im playing music, or creating music (making beats, etc). I love that outlet. But it doesn't seem enough. At this point, nothing seems enough.
That's why im an addict. I can't ever leave well enough alone. I have to keep going and going until I wind up getting hurt. Ill consciously act upon impulses that I KNOW are gonna get me hurt... but I constantly test my luck. I have no self fucking discipline. No self control.
Im reading this book that tells you everything you think translates onto your outer world. That's great and all, but if that's true.. Im basically fucked. I don't know how to NOT think negatively. Moreover, I don't know how to change the way I think. Change is not something I adapt to well.
At this point, there's one thing I know. No matter how I feel, and how far I push my limits and get myself in trouble.. I've gotta stay clean throughout it all. As long as I stay clean, it'll get better.
I realized today how big of a control freak I am. I have these tendencies to get really annoyed when things don't go my way, and its mostly surrounded around other peoples decisions. I want everyone to operate according to my game plan. Its bullshit. I can't control people, and to me.. That sucks. Im slowly trying to come to terms with that fact.
Ugh. A bullshit night. Mind, stop! Go to bed!
I finally fell asleep, and was able to turn off this fucked up machine.. When my Leo roomate came home (sun and moon in leo tonight).. And started being all loud. Which rarely happens. And I woke up, and here I am.
I want to strangle myself and this insane thinking inside of my head. Ahhhhh
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| drunk. |
[Thursday
Jun 11th - 3:28 AM] |
| [ |
music |
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tool - the pot |
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RedWine.
i feel like being drunk doenst even effect me.
i could be soooo emo right now if i wanted to.
anyways. i feel like alcohol has no effect on me. maybe im just not drunk enough.
i was in a weird mood tonight, came home and drank red wine by myself and watched Spun.
i wish i could go to sleep and never wake up.
how nice would that be.
not die.
just never wake up.
like life never really existed, it was just all a dream. and being unexistant is the only reality.
and no one exists.
and i dont exist.
i saw you with her tonight
and it wasnt like it made me that jealous or anything.
it was just......
we barely even talked. or looked at each other.
because we knew if we looked at each other it would all before, and we would know each others secrets.
i mean if anything it sort of made me feel better.
shes cute.
CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE. really nice and friendly.
thats about it.
i mean obviously she has more depth and whatnot,
but.... id ontttttt know.
shes intimidated by me. i know it.
because i dont fuck around.
im not gonna be all fake and nice to this girl.
she did nothing wrong.
but im just not fake like that i guess.
i just feel bad.
and just ..weird.
i dont really know.
so i came home and drank that dark red wine till my insides swim and my veins unwind you wont find me here in that hot white air yeah ill finally make osmething D I S A P P E A R. cuz ive been practicing disappearing, and i think that ive got it down.
definitely long entry.
i just dont want to try anymore.
its scary, feeling this way.
because i know what this feeling is capable of doing.
its capable of taking over my entire being, and taking the wheel .. and i would just be in the back seat. waiting to crash.
im making no sense.
to anyone but myself.
but it doenst matter.
sooo
maybe im emo? maybe im fucked up? maybe im unable to love and be loved.
but thats who i am. right now. and i cant stop drinking.
i dont know how to be sober. i dont know how to face reality.
i just want to be drunk all the time, so i never have to think about anything,
,,..
i dont know what i really wnat.
except to S L E E E E E P P P . forever.
goodnight.
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| scorpio moon. |
[Friday
Jun 5th - 12:40 PM] |
Im fucking sick of people who don't text me back randomly sometimes. Usually boys.
So basically I hate boys.
And im not too fond of girls either.
So im pretty much fucked.
This is such an emo cliche, but I feel like im suffocating. Like the walls are closing in on me. Claustrophobic. Trapped in this desert town.
And I feel lonely.
Unwanted.
Impatient.
I hate feeling like im putting so much effort into something that I don't even care about.
And I feel so much pressure at work now. They said I'd be the first to go if they had to "trim" some of the staff, which they don't wanna do.. But might have to cuz were broke.
If I lost my job there.... I don't even want to think about it....
Its funny how ryan and I neveeerrr work together anymore. I mean, probably for the better.. Im starting to feel more attached to him...
And you.. Im glad were friends again. But, barely. You're half assing it, and u know it. And I know u work all the time, but a text or phone call back isn't that hard to do. I need you in my life. Read my last few entries and you'll see how I missed you.
I just don't know what to do with myself. Im not used to dealing with these feelings of worthlessness. Im trying to just let god help me, and guide me.. But there's still a void. I haven't been to a meeting in awhile. Which is probably why im feeling like this. I should get to one tonight.
Writing is the only thing that makes me feel better right now.
I moved into a house with my old coworker and her friend. Leticia and aimee. I like it... although they were drinking wine last night and I decided to have a glass. And ended up having a really long intense convo with danielle. I would be fucking dead without that girl. That's for sure.
People in NA always say they don't think they deserve good things, and if they got what they deserved.. They'd be dead.
But I don't like that. That makes me feel like the scum of the earth, and that everyones above us. Fuck that. I had a drug problem. Why does that make me a horrible person? How does that make me deserve to be dead? I was just born with the inability to cope with life, and the instinct to use drugs. I knew long before I even tried h, that I was gonna do it. But I don't think im less than everyone else. I think if anything, WERE the ones who deserve more out of life. Because we know what its like to not have to deal with anything, and were CHOOSING to stay clean. I feel like I deserve love and happiness. I've been thru some shitt.
And I know it all happened for a reason. ..but what? What's the reason? I hope I find it soon.
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| late night contemplation. |
[Monday
Jun 1st - 12:55 AM] |
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What is love for? The definition, and even honest descriptions... have been lost in time. It is now merely a word, used to express a multitude of feelings. Infatuation. Lust. Friendship. Contentment. Control. Dominance. Manipulation. Arrogance. A self fulfilling prophecy.
Words are used and misused everyday. No one is innocent. So then, what does love really mean? And how do we know? I guess if you're really in love, it doesn't matter.
And what about cheating?
Do the people who cheat on their loved ones really and truly love them? I've been on all 3 sides of the triangle. I've cheated, been cheated on, and been the girl they cheated with. None of the above are satisfying feelings.
.. So why do people do them?
Is it simply a yearning for the unknown- more about sex than love? Or does it mean the person is not satisfied with the one they claim their love is devoted to?
Humans are strange. I've been trying my whole life to figure them out.. But im always surprised. Emotions are crazy things. They create, destroy, and sometimes do both at the same time.
But if you really love someone, is it possible to love another as well?
I am just really confused and a little bit sad.
Every time we say good bye, I just get this melancholic feeling like im nothing more than someone to flirt with to occupy your time at work.. When im sitting there, falling for you harder every day. And hanging on to every word you say.
Then again, sometimes I think I may be something more. Perhaps a light, an unexpected shelter, something you don't know how to explain yet.
In all reality (which I tend to ignore sometimes hah), it really doesn't matter what I am to you. You're still dating her, and you "love?" her. So why am I sitting here, smiling to myself at conversations we've had earlier?
I just want it to end. But part of me knows, as long as were forced to be around each other once a week, its not going to end anytime soon.
So the torture continues..
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